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Today is one of those absolutely gorgeous Monsoon days. It’s been raining all day. I can hear the raindrops pitter-patter. Trees are swaying left and right. A few birds have perched themselves on top of a tree right outside my room, and seem to be enjoying the much-needed relief from the heat. While others have sought shelter inside a half-constructed top floor of a building.
Leaves are gleaming and look clean and new. It almost seems like God decided to wash the city clean of all the dust. Occasionally, I can even hear the wind make a swooshing noise.
As a school going kid, monsoons would bring some of my favorite days. Either the school would declare a rainy day, which means I could just stay at home and play all day, or I could go to school, wading through the flooded streets. both of which I loved!. I would make paper boats and watch them sail in the dirty, muddy water on the street. I spent hours and hours gazing at rain drops falling into puddles of water and creating ripples. I loved jumping on these puddles and splashing water all around. My mom and sister would go to all lengths to stop me from stepping my foot into these dirty waters for fear that I would either get some dreadful skin allergy or that I would fall sick. As soon as I would enter the house, my mom would throw a towel on my head and start rubbing it violently, until my hair had been rid of the last drop of water. She would then give me some tea and pakoras to feast on.
On one such day, I remember that my sister came in a taxi to pick me up from school, even though the school was only a ten-minute walk from our house. Not only did she make me get into the cab, she also forced my friends (who were also our neighbors) to get into the cab with her. She had been instructed to do so by their mother. My friends were so annoyed. On the way back, they kept cursing my sister and myself in hushed tones and saying things like “She’s your sister. Why does she care how we go back home?!” Though I was disappointed at having missed a golden opportunity to wade through the murky waters, my sadistic self was only too delighted that my friends didn’t get to enjoy it too. After all, if I am not allowed, then why should they be, right?
Oh how beautifully simple life was back then. If only we could keep our wants and pleasures as simple as a child’s. Anyways, I will go feast on tea and pakoras now, and dreamily watch the rain drops glisten on my window.
P.S. What do you like to snack on when it rains?
As I look out the window of my room
At the sky overcast with dark clouds
I hear the raindrops fall on the ground
I wonder if you are seeing the same sights
And hearing the same sounds
One of the things that I am doing as I deal with a break-up is that I replay certain conversations with my ex over and over again in my head. In one such conversation, my ex went on and on about not wanting to hurt his parents without even once apologizing for putting me through all this. I was shell-shocked. How could someone be so insensitive? Is he the same guy I fell in love with? Did he not realize that it will hurt me if he breaks up with me? Or did he think I was so thick-skinned that it wouldn’t hurt me? Or did he expect me to understand? Why did he choose to get emotionally involved if he didn’t have the courage to follow through on his commitment? How much can one tolerate? Looking back, I wish I had spoken my mind – “F*** you, loser! Your loss!” Instead, I cried, and howled, and pleaded him to reconsider. In hindsight, the drama was so not worth it. I wonder if his parents were the reason he broke up with me or if he just used them as an excuse. I guess I will never know. And it doesn’t matter anymore.
That makes me wonder –
* Is there a good way to break up? I guess not. But I think you at least owe the other person an honest explanation of your actions so that he/she can reach closure.
* Can you stay friends right after a break up? I think it’s best not to, for your own good. You have to end all communication cold turkey.
So that’s my break-up advice to anybody who is sailing in the same boat as I am today: If you can’t save the relationship, at least save your pride.
I was just talking to a friend about how clueless I am in life at this moment and he said:
“It’s great to be clueless. It’s that state when we have so many open possibilities. I think it’s totally okay to be clueless.”
I just love the way he put it. Coming to think of it, it is true. Right now, I can start with a clean slate. So I am going to stop blaming myself over and over again for what happened and embrace the fact that it happened for a good reason. I am going to start taking care of myself from this moment on. There are so many things that I had always wanted to do, but never had the time to. So now that I have enough spare time, I am going to list them all down here and commit myself to doing them.
1. Learning to drive. (Something that will give me immense independence and confidence)
2. Exercise regularly. (I hate to look at myself in the mirror these days.)
3. Reading a lot of books. A lot.
4. Take up every opportunity I get to travel.
5. Take lots of pictures.
These are going to be my short term goals.
Of course a big one, that’s not on this list is figuring out my career path. Whether to start off on my own or look for another job. I need to figure that out soon.
So from now on, no feeling sorry for myself. No self-pity. Cheers to a wonderful new beginning! Cheers to me!!
I am here because I need time to introspect and figure out who I really am and what I want out of this life. At this point in life, I feel like I have reached a dead-end. I gave up my American dream and moved back to my home country to get married to a guy I had been dating for 3 years. Well, you must think I am crazy right? So did my family and friends. But we all know love is blind. In my case, I think I was blind. I never saw the signs. Or even if I did, I didn’t want to believe them. Within two months of returning to homeland, this guy and I split up. He said he didn’t think he had the courage to go against his family’s wishes. So here I am – dealing with a break up, job search and lost self-esteem. Unsure of my next move. Clueless. The silver lining in this dark, grey cloud is that at least I am at home with my family. I was very homesick while I was in foreign land. I longed for my family, for home-cooked food, and old friends. But now that I am here, I am restless. Part of me wants to return to US. But the other side of my brain keeps reminding me of sad, lonely days, meals eaten alone, days spent walking around alone in New York city and questions me if I really want to feel that lonely again. So here I am…trying to figure it all out. I am hoping that this blog will help me get my act together. It’s the story of my life…from here on.