Chronicles of a Blogaholic

The story of my life from here on

New York!

Yes, I am back in New York! Not sure how long I will be here. But unlike last time, I am having a good time. I love the city. It is said that people get addicted to this city and I never quite understood what that meant, but I think I get the drift now. If I had to choose one word to describe the city, I would choose “Alive”. This city is alive! I love the crowds, the subway, the crazy tourists, the traffic, the shoppers, the hole-in-the-wall restaurants! There’s so much to do and explore in the city, it’s almost impossible to get bored. That said, I do get bored once in a while. More for lack of company to enjoy the liveliness of this place than the place itself. It has been my dream to live in Manhattan for a few months and enjoy the city life, the real New York life. Maybe this time, maybe some other time. Who knows? For now, I’m in the Empire State of Mind!

From top of the Empire State Building



The only thing constant is change

I don’t know about you, but I usually categorize my friends into buckets:

1. Hi-Hello kinds: You run into them at the mall or the grocery store or at a restaurant. You exchange pleasantries with them and promise to keep in touch. But you know and he/she knows that you won’t.

2. Periodic friends: They become your really good friends while you are at a particular place – same office, same school, same dancing class or something like that. You are the best of friends there, but once you are out of that common place, you lose touch.

3. Can pick up threads where you left ’em friends: These are the kind who will always make you feel warm and good. You might not be in touch on a regular basis, but when you meet them you can reconnect like you never lost touch.

4. Besties: Self explanatory. These are your best friends. You call them everyday/almost everyday. If not call, you text/chat. If something is wrong in your life, these are the ones you call and rely on always.

5. Friends on Facebook but don’t know how: There are a few people on facebook who are on my friend list, but I have no clue how they got there. I have to look really hard at their profile info to find the common link.

Well, so there was one such friend who became my best friend. I got to know her at work. Pretty soon, we became inseparable – at work and outside work. We spent almost every waking moment together. The fact that we lived in the same neighborhood made it even more easier for us to hangout more often. But then I left work to go to the US. She threw me the most awesome farewell party. We vowed to keep in touch. For some time, we did. We sent each other long emails. We called each other on weekends. She filled me in on the office gossip. I updated her on my school life and new friends. But then she started dating someone. Of course, I was happy for her. In fact, I had even encouraged her to go out with him and get to know him.  I got busy with school life. The calls and emails became less frequent too. But every time I visited home, she still made time for me and things always felt like I had left them. So I moved her from category 4 to 3.

Every time I thought of moving back home again, I always thought of good times spent with her and yearned for it. Of course, I didn’t move back for her, but it still gave me a good feeling knowing that she will be around and I can again hangout with her. So I called her as soon as I landed here. Met her over coffee and lunch in the first week itself. Unfortunately, the warmth and the closeness was missing. I thought this feeling was temporary and soon things would fall into place. But nope, they didn’t. Soon after my breakup, I appointed her as my breakup buddy. Someone I would call instead of calling my ex and someone I would pour my heart out to. Well, to give her credit, she did try her best to be around and  make me feel better. But the calls got less frequent. Half the time, she wouldn’t answer, and half the times, she wouldn’t return my calls. Every weekend she would say lets hangout, and then not call to fix a time. Well, so that’s how it is now. So now I guess I will have to move her from Category 3 to 2. It hurts so much. Most of my friends have moved out of this city and she is the only close friend around. I so wish things would go back to normal. But I guess they won’t. I just have to accept it.  Just the way I accepted that my ex and I are not happily ever after material. Sigh.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Alright guys, I’m back!  I sincerely apologize for the blogging break. Too many things started happening and I just didn’t have the time or the energy to blog at the end of the day.

Good news is that I got very busy with job interviews. I have had about 15 interviews in the last 3 weeks! So on an average, that’s one interview each weekday. And you might think that I was probably interviewing with 5 different companies, but nope! Just two. Two very good ones. But both are in different cities. Both would take me away from home…yet again! Anyway, the interview process is still not over, and I don’t have offers in hand from either, so I will cross that bridge when I get there. So that’s the good news.

Bad news is that my dad was unwell. It was pretty scary, to the extent that I actually canceled travel plans and postponed a few interviews for a week so that I could concentrate just on him. He’s doing a lot better now – Thanks!

Ugly news is that I found out that my ex might be engaged and on his way to holy matrimony by the end of this year. Why do I care you ask? I know I shouldn’t. But just that the wounds are so fresh, that it just seemed too soon for him to move on and replace me. So what followed was obsessive calls to the ex demanding “Why, why, why?” and losing a bit more of my self-esteem. It’s amazing how he twists each and every conversation so that I end up feeling bad at the end of it and apologize to him. All I am looking for is some kind of closure, let’s have a mature talk and break up on a good note, so that my last memory of this is something good and not something ugly where we both are shouting at each other. But I guess that’s not going to happen. So after my conversation with him last night, I pledged not to call him again. And you my dear readers, have to help me keep this promise to myself.

So that’s the good, bad and ugly news since my last post. I hope to be more regular going forward. Have a good weekend, guys! 🙂

Blogging from my phone

If you don’t have an iPhone, you don’t have an iPhone 🙂

It’s raining!

Today is one of those absolutely gorgeous Monsoon days. It’s been raining all day. I can hear the raindrops pitter-patter. Trees are swaying left and right. A few birds have perched themselves on top of a tree right outside my room, and seem to be enjoying the much-needed relief from the heat. While others have sought shelter inside a half-constructed top floor of a building. 

Leaves are gleaming and look clean and new. It almost seems like God decided to wash the city clean of all the dust. Occasionally, I  can even hear the wind make a swooshing noise.

As a school going kid, monsoons would bring some of my favorite days. Either the school would declare a rainy day, which means I could just stay at home and play all day, or I could go to school, wading through the flooded streets. both of which I  loved!. I would make paper boats and watch them sail in the dirty, muddy water on the street. I spent hours and hours gazing at rain drops falling into puddles of water and creating ripples. I loved jumping on these puddles and splashing water all around. My mom and sister would go to all lengths to stop me from stepping my foot into these dirty waters for fear that I would either get some dreadful skin allergy or that I would fall sick. As soon as I would enter the house, my mom would throw a towel on my head and start rubbing it violently, until my hair had been rid of the last drop of water. She would then give me some tea and pakoras to feast on.

On one such day, I remember that my sister came in a taxi to pick me up from school, even though the school was only a ten-minute walk from our house. Not only did she make me get into the cab, she also forced my friends (who were also our neighbors) to get into the cab with her. She had been instructed to do so by their mother. My friends were so annoyed. On the way back, they kept cursing my sister and myself in hushed tones and saying things like “She’s your sister. Why does she care how we go back home?!” Though I was disappointed at having missed a golden opportunity to wade through the murky waters, my sadistic self was only too delighted that my friends didn’t get to enjoy it too. After all, if I am not allowed, then why should they be, right?

Oh how beautifully simple life was back then. If only we could keep our wants and pleasures as simple as a child’s. Anyways, I will go feast on tea and pakoras now, and dreamily watch the rain drops glisten on my window. 

P.S. What do you like to snack on when it rains?

When I turn poetic…

As I look out the window of my room

At the sky overcast with dark clouds

I hear the raindrops fall on the ground

I wonder if you are seeing the same sights

And hearing the same sounds

Break-up Advice

One of the things that I am doing as I deal with a break-up is that I replay certain conversations with my ex over and over again in my head. In one such conversation, my ex went on and on about not wanting to hurt his parents without even once apologizing for putting me through all this. I was shell-shocked. How could someone be so insensitive? Is he the same guy I fell in love with? Did he not realize that it will hurt me if he breaks up with me? Or did he think I was so thick-skinned that it wouldn’t hurt me? Or did he expect me to understand? Why did he choose to get emotionally involved if he didn’t have the courage to follow through on his commitment?  How much can one tolerate? Looking back, I wish I had spoken my mind – “F*** you, loser! Your loss!” Instead, I cried, and howled, and pleaded him to reconsider. In hindsight, the drama was so not worth it. I wonder if his parents were the reason he broke up with me or if he just used them as an excuse. I guess I will never know. And it doesn’t matter anymore.

That makes me wonder –

* Is there a good way to break up? I guess not. But I think you at least owe the other person an honest explanation of your actions so that he/she can reach closure.

* Can you stay friends right after a break up? I think it’s best not to, for your own good. You have to end all communication cold turkey.

So that’s my break-up advice to anybody who is sailing in the same boat as I am today: If you can’t save the relationship, at least save your pride.

New Beginnings

I was just talking to a friend about how clueless I am in life at this moment and he said:

“It’s great to be clueless. It’s that state when we have so many open possibilities. I think it’s totally okay to be clueless.”

I just love the way he put it. Coming to think of it, it is true. Right now, I can start with a clean slate. So I am going to stop blaming myself over and over again for what happened and embrace the fact that it happened for a good reason. I am going to start taking care of myself from this moment on. There are so many things that I had always wanted to do, but never had the time to. So now that I have enough spare time, I am going to list them all down here and commit myself to doing them.

1. Learning to drive. (Something that will give me immense independence and confidence)

2. Exercise regularly. (I hate to look at myself in the mirror these days.)

3. Reading a lot of books. A lot.

4. Take up every opportunity I get to travel.

5. Take lots of pictures.

These are going to be my short term goals.

Of course a big one, that’s not on this list is figuring out my career path. Whether to start off on my own or look for another job. I need to figure that out soon.

So from now on, no feeling sorry for myself. No self-pity. Cheers to a wonderful new beginning! Cheers to me!!

Why am I here?

I am here because I need time to introspect and figure out who I really am and what I want out of this life. At this point in life, I feel like I have reached a dead-end. I gave up my American dream and moved back to my home country to get married to a guy I had been dating for 3 years. Well, you must think I am crazy right? So did my family and friends. But we all know love is blind. In my case, I think I was blind. I never saw the signs. Or even if I did, I didn’t want to believe them. Within two months of returning to homeland, this guy and I split up. He said he didn’t think he had the courage to go against his family’s wishes. So here I am – dealing with a break up, job search and lost self-esteem. Unsure of my next move. Clueless. The silver lining in this dark, grey cloud is that at least I am at home with my family. I was very homesick while I was in foreign land. I longed for my family, for home-cooked food, and old friends. But now that I am here, I am restless. Part of me wants to return to US. But the other side of my brain keeps reminding me of sad, lonely days, meals eaten alone, days spent walking around alone in New York city and questions me if I really want to feel that lonely again. So here I am…trying to figure it all out. I am hoping that this blog will help me get my act together. It’s the story of my life…from here on.

Post Navigation